Today’s pick, Tell Me When by Soul Asylum
Man, this song. As a depressed 15 year old, this song about living a life that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, considering killing yourself as you wonder if it’ll ever become worth living hit hard. As a 45 year old living with chronic pain caused by a work injury that those responsible have fought to not have to cover, struggling to figure out what my life could look like and feeling like things will never improve, it still grabs me hard. This is the start of a three song run at the end of this album that really can help you spiral existentially. Tell Me When, Nothing To Write Home About, and I Did My Best are the feelings of “what the fuck am I even doing” perfectly solidified.
From the guitar winding up at the start to the gravelly, tired sounding vocals, it lyrically and sonically personifies the feelings of despair at looking at your life and asking if there is a point to any of this. Today marks 3 years to the day since my spine blew out two discs and decided that no matter what I do, it will not heal. As we dug deeper into seeing what’s wrong, we also found that my lower spine is deteriorating and the facet joints in that part of my back are also rubbed raw. The end result of this is that I’m in pain most of the time, to some extent. As I sit and type this, it’s about a 1, mostly just the sensation that something is pushing on my lower back uncomfortably. That changes once I start doing things, it quickly becomes more painful; walking, climbing, running, working on my feet, fucking, living. It all becomes painful and that pain lingers long after I stop. I have tried different medications, treatments, anything I can find, and I have had limited success with improving it. That feeling of “when does life begin” lingers often for me every time I try something new and it doesn’t result in making me into the person I was before this happened. I spent hours wondering how I live like this for the next 40 years (with my family history, let’s be real. It’ll be 20 at best). I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about ending it, I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation since I was a teenager, but this really cranks it up to 11. I keep moving forward, mostly because I’m too stubborn to stop, but songs like this put into music and words the feelings I’m living in perfectly. 10/10. No notes.
The song also makes me think of listening to this tape on my off-brand walkman in com-tech class, hanging out in the black curtains of the darkroom to avoid having to do anything while I listen to music. I was a little goth kid at that point in my life so I blended in to the curtains very well. Looking at the chipped black nail polish on my thumb while I pressed rewind to listen to a song again because it didn’t hurt me enough the first time I listened to it, I’d created little stories set to the music, things happening the way I’d want them to in what was essentially a music video starring me.
I should start painting my nails again. It would look good, I think.
Early Frost Warning 