Today’s pick, There the First Time by Matthew Good
This week we have a late career pick from Matt Good, a very good song from an okay album. His last few have been mostly duds for me, this being the last one that was as good as bad. It’s a song, like many from this list, about the existential dread of the times we are living through. I’d say it’s only gotten worse in the eight years since I first heard this, but it feels the same every time I listen to it. I am constantly riding a wave of anxiety, for things that are happening, things that might happen, things that aren’t happening, and songs about that feeling are soothing to my overheated brain.
This song takes me back to 2017. I can feel the anxiety that I was filled with constantly while trying to juggle working a night shift, taking care of Jack and trying to support Jen as she slowly got better from her injury, trying to get ahead at work by doing pretty much anything they wanted, working jobs that were wildly outside the responsibilities I had as a welder, for no additional pay mind you, and spinning dozens of plates financially. We’d just come out of the struggles we’d had during Jen’s injuries; I’d missed a lot of work, been fired, found new work, been laid off, and changed shops twice since Jen had been hurt and we were already struggling with money when she was attacked. I was trying to do everything myself at the expense of my sanity and our financial wellbeing. I suffer from a desire to be the provider, the one that takes care of everything. That has repeatedly shown up as me trying to take care of our finances while not acknowledging to anyone how behind we are on things and taking money we need for bills or things we are behind on and using it to get things for the family because I don’t want to admit that we are short. It’s nearly destroyed my entire life more than once, it’s something that I’m working on with a therapist. It’s something I’m deeply ashamed of, and it is something that has hurt everyone around me for no reason other than my own insecurities. It’s a terrible thing, and you think that I’d avoid this song because of that, but it eases that anxiety and feeling of shame. Music is often a tool I use to process emotions or experiences, listening to things on repeat to recreate an emotion and wear it down like a stone in a river. Smooth down the edges until the pain is more manageable, still there but not cutting into me anymore.
This song also raises the question of consuming art when the artist is problematic. Matthew Good has had some allegations, nothing criminal, it seems, but right on the line at best. Is it ethical to stream or buy his music in that case? I can’t answer that. Is he making amends? I don’t know. Has he gotten help? I don’t know that either. Has his work been a major part of my life for nearly thirty years? Yeah, and it’s such a large part of my musical background that removing it would be impossible. I’ve cut some artists out completely when bad things come out about them, sometimes its easier than others. This one, it’s too hard to let go. I just hope that this is it, from here on out he’s getting better and treating people better. If not, I will have to reckon with this, and I don’t want to have to do what is the right thing if that is the case.
Listen to it twice. It’s good.
Early Frost Warning 